On my way back to the green room, an unfamiliar woman with a painted face and bio-hazard looking hair put a hand on my arm.
“Oh, you must be Mary! Caroline’s daughter!”
“Maralie.” I corrected. “Caroline Faulk is my mother.”
“Oh yes. I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Nissa, a friend of your mother’s.”
“Oh yes, I remember you.” I lied through a fabricated smile.
“Are you performing tonight?” No I’m just here to watch all the other extremely talented people.
“Yes, I am.”
“Oh that’s wonderful! What are you doing?” And you pretend to know me. Wasn't I always just the happy little piano prodigy?
“I’m playing the piano.”
“Ooh, what song?”
“ “Innocence like mirrors”.”
“I don’t think I know that one, who’s it by?”
Me, of course, bitch! Why in the name of all things holy would I do a fucking-
“I have to be going, I should be getting ready.” Anything to avoid the empty acidic praise.
“Oh, I’m so sorry for keeping you!” I hurried away. Letting my smile dissolve. I hate empty small talk. I hate it.
In the green room, I grabbed my book, An Imperial Affliction and sat in the corner while the other performers chatted and milled about. I quietly kept track of the time. Timing how long it took for Allen to find me. He didn't. Was he not here? Did he put himself in exile after he snapped? Come to think of it, I hadn't seen him at school either… Funny. Allen being here is such a regularity, that I suppose, I've just taken his incessant attempts at cheering me up, for granted.
That's probably why he broke. He got nothing in return. That kind of love can crush a person. “Hey, Lisa!”
“Oh hey, Mara! You nervous?”
“No, not really. But, isn’t Allen supposed to be here?”
Her face fell. “Well, yeah, but, I havn’t seen him. No one has. Unless you have.”
“I haven't. That’s why I’m asking you.”
“Oh. Since you two are such good friends-” Are we?
“Well, no. He hasn’t told me anything.”
“But didn’t you see him last?”
“Yeah.” I felt my blood run cold. Remembering what happened. I instinctively placed a hand gingerly on my arm, where the bruise was. “He was really...upset. But, I though he- that he was the resilient type.” Lies, lies lies and more lies. He’s not resilient. I’ve know since the day I met him. He’s weak, susceptible, insecure and scared. And-- and I just, abandoned him.
“You okay, Mar?”
“Yeah.”
“If it’s any consolation, He really likes you.”
“Like I don’t know that!”
“So you’re leading him on?”
“No! He knows how I feel about him!”
“But...Do you?”
“Yes. I do.” I said angrily. Just as the stage manager came into to tell us places.
“Break a leg,” She said with smile.
“You too.”
I was set to perform near the end of the first half. I returned to my corner as the names were read off. Finally the manager called my name.
From the wings, I watched Lisa and her friend Jason performing together. She sang with her silky-sweet voice, while he played his guitar. Their song choice was acceptable, but I noticed something.
They were happy, really truly happy. Smiling with joy from the music they created.
Suddenly I though of Allen again, about the song he wrote, that sad, and heart-breakingly accurate song, about me, for me.
The applause was hardly enough to jerk me from my reverie and go sit at the piano.
“And next up we have, Maralie Faulk performing an original song entitled “Innocence like Mirrors”. Give her a nice big round of applause.” Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
The only sort of music going through my head was Allen’s song. Now come on. Key of B, no Key of B minor.
I hit the first chord. A light, melancholy one in the higher range. Slowly working my way down in a waterfall of parallel minor scales, landing harmoniously on a major chord not included in the key signature.
But it wasn’t the chord I wanted. Different than intended. I hastily continued the intro. Trying to stay focused on the song structure. I played the introductory melody. Beginning, a bit timidly in my average mezzo-soprano voice.
I once got lost in my reflection
Everything I knew,
A whisper away.
A mirror that stood in front of me,
Taller and broader but still me
Until I saw me walk away
And leave me behind
Return to me,
Return to me,
The solitude I crave
Bury me
Bury me
Behind that glass once again
On to the interlude, and variation of the melody over different chords. When suddenly, a note I hit sent my fingers along a different melody.
His. Melody.
I panicked. The second verse completely forgotten, so I skipped to the solo. Picking a chord progression and running with it. Letting my right hand dance in the upper octaves of the piano. When I hit the climax of the piece, the words just flew out of my mouth. The words he wrote for me. The words that could have saved him.
No matter where you go
No matter what you do
I’ll always sing this song for you
Broken lives,
Broken hearts, broken promises
Inside of those eyes
Mirrors.
I smiled and stood up from the piano having to cut the song short with a triumphant arpeggio spanning all 88 keys. They cheered. Called out “Bravo” “Encore” and what-have you. But the solace I would have had in that song was gone. My ability to learn and absorb music had turned against me.
Reminding me of how heartlessly I'd acted towards Allen. Ignoring his cry for help.
What did he ever see in me?
“Oh, you must be Mary! Caroline’s daughter!”
“Maralie.” I corrected. “Caroline Faulk is my mother.”
“Oh yes. I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Nissa, a friend of your mother’s.”
“Oh yes, I remember you.” I lied through a fabricated smile.
“Are you performing tonight?” No I’m just here to watch all the other extremely talented people.
“Yes, I am.”
“Oh that’s wonderful! What are you doing?” And you pretend to know me. Wasn't I always just the happy little piano prodigy?
“I’m playing the piano.”
“Ooh, what song?”
“ “Innocence like mirrors”.”
“I don’t think I know that one, who’s it by?”
Me, of course, bitch! Why in the name of all things holy would I do a fucking-
“I have to be going, I should be getting ready.” Anything to avoid the empty acidic praise.
“Oh, I’m so sorry for keeping you!” I hurried away. Letting my smile dissolve. I hate empty small talk. I hate it.
In the green room, I grabbed my book, An Imperial Affliction and sat in the corner while the other performers chatted and milled about. I quietly kept track of the time. Timing how long it took for Allen to find me. He didn't. Was he not here? Did he put himself in exile after he snapped? Come to think of it, I hadn't seen him at school either… Funny. Allen being here is such a regularity, that I suppose, I've just taken his incessant attempts at cheering me up, for granted.
That's probably why he broke. He got nothing in return. That kind of love can crush a person. “Hey, Lisa!”
“Oh hey, Mara! You nervous?”
“No, not really. But, isn’t Allen supposed to be here?”
Her face fell. “Well, yeah, but, I havn’t seen him. No one has. Unless you have.”
“I haven't. That’s why I’m asking you.”
“Oh. Since you two are such good friends-” Are we?
“Well, no. He hasn’t told me anything.”
“But didn’t you see him last?”
“Yeah.” I felt my blood run cold. Remembering what happened. I instinctively placed a hand gingerly on my arm, where the bruise was. “He was really...upset. But, I though he- that he was the resilient type.” Lies, lies lies and more lies. He’s not resilient. I’ve know since the day I met him. He’s weak, susceptible, insecure and scared. And-- and I just, abandoned him.
“You okay, Mar?”
“Yeah.”
“If it’s any consolation, He really likes you.”
“Like I don’t know that!”
“So you’re leading him on?”
“No! He knows how I feel about him!”
“But...Do you?”
“Yes. I do.” I said angrily. Just as the stage manager came into to tell us places.
“Break a leg,” She said with smile.
“You too.”
I was set to perform near the end of the first half. I returned to my corner as the names were read off. Finally the manager called my name.
From the wings, I watched Lisa and her friend Jason performing together. She sang with her silky-sweet voice, while he played his guitar. Their song choice was acceptable, but I noticed something.
They were happy, really truly happy. Smiling with joy from the music they created.
Suddenly I though of Allen again, about the song he wrote, that sad, and heart-breakingly accurate song, about me, for me.
The applause was hardly enough to jerk me from my reverie and go sit at the piano.
“And next up we have, Maralie Faulk performing an original song entitled “Innocence like Mirrors”. Give her a nice big round of applause.” Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
The only sort of music going through my head was Allen’s song. Now come on. Key of B, no Key of B minor.
I hit the first chord. A light, melancholy one in the higher range. Slowly working my way down in a waterfall of parallel minor scales, landing harmoniously on a major chord not included in the key signature.
But it wasn’t the chord I wanted. Different than intended. I hastily continued the intro. Trying to stay focused on the song structure. I played the introductory melody. Beginning, a bit timidly in my average mezzo-soprano voice.
I once got lost in my reflection
Everything I knew,
A whisper away.
A mirror that stood in front of me,
Taller and broader but still me
Until I saw me walk away
And leave me behind
Return to me,
Return to me,
The solitude I crave
Bury me
Bury me
Behind that glass once again
On to the interlude, and variation of the melody over different chords. When suddenly, a note I hit sent my fingers along a different melody.
His. Melody.
I panicked. The second verse completely forgotten, so I skipped to the solo. Picking a chord progression and running with it. Letting my right hand dance in the upper octaves of the piano. When I hit the climax of the piece, the words just flew out of my mouth. The words he wrote for me. The words that could have saved him.
No matter where you go
No matter what you do
I’ll always sing this song for you
Broken lives,
Broken hearts, broken promises
Inside of those eyes
Mirrors.
I smiled and stood up from the piano having to cut the song short with a triumphant arpeggio spanning all 88 keys. They cheered. Called out “Bravo” “Encore” and what-have you. But the solace I would have had in that song was gone. My ability to learn and absorb music had turned against me.
Reminding me of how heartlessly I'd acted towards Allen. Ignoring his cry for help.
What did he ever see in me?
