Sorta Year-end essay.

“No! NO!!!! IT CANNOT END LIKE THIS!” I screamed as the ending credits rolled for “Fullmetal Alchemist: Conquer of Shamballa”. The ending leaving the Protagonist, Edward Elric with his brother Alphonse, stranded  in a parallel universe away from his support, inspiration and potential love interest, Winry Rockbell. Although it was never about their romantic relationship, (which is what makes the couple so intriguing) This interpretation of the Fullmetal alchemist story tore my heart apart. They made a promise dammit! So I proceeded to wallow in despair while watching the last episode of the remake that followed the original storyline, and my heart was mended slightly.

But I could not shake my feelings of rejection to such a reality where they were separated. So, an idea for a fanfiction was born. At this point in time, I had very little exposure to any decent fanfiction, and in fact had never written any before (That stuff I wrote when i was twelve doesn't exist.). Then, I truly understood how they were started.

Since this Parallel World model runs where there are two versions of any given person living similar but separate lives. The same personality, and at least vaguely identical appearance. The dividing factor being the world from where Edward and Alphonse Elric originated, Alchemy is the driving science and pride of their native country. According to the producers of the 2003 anime and movie, their Alchemy is fueled by the life force of the residents of the doppelganger world. (our world)

So I figured, what’s to keep the brothers from meeting the alternate version of Winry? I brought this idea to my close Friend Averi, because she had at least more experience writing and dealing with fanfiction. The idea was extremely rough, and we thought it would probably be just a few chapters dealing with their reactions. She came up with an at the time, throw away idea. “Oh, wouldn’t it be a twist if she was the real Winry?”. At that time, for some reason, the immensity of that concept failed to pass through my mind.

So here we are. A year, 45,000 words, many sleepless nights, ideas for two sequels and a lot of insanity later, trying to iron out the kinks that go with global transient amnesia and close calls with horny soldiers. Not to mention the insane amount of emotional baggage that the characters already lug around. From this I have begun to truly understand how it feels to be an author. Although people will discount this work because the characters and situation are not of my own making, but, I have thought and agonized and researched enough to at least make up for this story I believe. This journey of understanding these characters is the exact same as what I go through making original characters. Understanding the deepest of needs, wants, and their stories. Every possible little thing that could influence their actions or relationships.

While writing the fanfiction I took up several side stories and separate stories to test out different parts of my writing abilities. All of these experiences and discoveries have fed in to this fanfiction, Remember Me, also facilitating my growth as not only a creative individual, but  a human being this past year.

Say what you will, but any creative outlet is what you make it and never deserves to fall under one umbrella term. One this that I learned through all of this, something that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life:

Nothing is ever black and white.

Child

I'm trying to block
it all out
the screaming,
Yelling
it's eating away
at my glass shell.
this impudent,
little child.
13 years young.
he can't see!
no
he won't see
just how stupid 
he
is

Normal

Don't call me normal.
It's not a reassurance,
it's an insult!
I don't want to want to disappear!
Please! anything but that!
Don't label me,
don't ride me off.
I don't want to fade, 
into the world's shadow.

Me

I'm just a speck,
a dot.
Nothing special,
nothing big,
but,
I like to pretend that I am a spot.
Maybe a smudge.
A stain,
Something noticeable.

Car Crash

My blood is where it shouldn't be.
On the hood of the car,
outside of me.
It wasn't my fault,
that car hit me.
But now, shards of the screeching pain,
are in me.
Where my life should ,
be.
Spilling my future,
my promise,
on the ground.
Where did it go?
The motion in my limbs!
The thoughts in my head?
it's,
all,
gon-

Lifelist

I'm sitting.
Wasting.
Wasting away.
Dripping from the sighs, 
of the sky.
Puddling amongst the millions,
melted,
Dissapated.
Wasted away.

If Only,

If only,
you lived next door.
on a distant star,
Or moon.
Or on the blackened edge of a galaxy.
Some place, 
any place.
That I could go to.
While in this flimsy vessel,
this leaking box,
a broken soul.

Something More

No.
There's Nothing more.
Of course there isn't!
Why would there be?
Something More?
What a bore.
a sore in your side.
What?
d-don't be silly.
they told you to lose hope
So lose it!
forget it!
On the side, 
of the road.
Open up the box,
and let it go.
This is our life.
Nothing more.
Because something,
is nothing.

Forget.

Please.
Forgive me.
Forget everything I said.
Your memories,
Please,
throw them away.
I don't want to be remembered
As the,
Dull mind,
Drab heart,
Dark eyes,
Distant smile,
Disgusting love.
I'd rather you just forget.
Forget.
for...
get...
me.

Recall

I remember.
But,
do you?
Those lost and listless days,
that apparently, have passed me by.
But.
You can't answer.
Your lips or locked,
by time
Mistakes.
By words,
you will never say.
I would hold your hand,
but.
The future,
that they would have had 
is gone.
My tears wont fall.
And so,
I cry.
Because,
I don't remember.

Song for the Apathetic

I thought I'd link a song that I wrote for a charity event called the project for awesome where we raised over 75,000 dollars for charities chosen by the Nerdfighter community.
LINK

Nothing

Sleeping far beyond the surface
Broken hearts are far beyond my reach
Limbs and branches calling out my name
but I hear nothing

A paragraph or two of a simple song
has buried me
A simple prayer with a silver coil
has murdered me

Living far beyond the silence
All this life is far beyond my reach
the sun and moon are smiling at me
But I see
Nothing.

What I leanred

It's the flow of life
That slips between breaths.
Torn pieces
Fluttering skyward
In a splendid cacophony
Singing, Sleeping on eyelashes
A broken wing to sing
you to sleep,
Or a song, locked
inside of your mind

Dripping streams
Puddling in my irises
Seeing so much
Being,
So much

Lost for words,
Or song?
Then sit and let the
Wave of motion,
Sunlight, particles, specks of dust-
Let it consume you,
Become you,
So that no spot of dark humanity
Is left

So that words and
melodies are one
Souls crying out,
Searching for a voice,
And ears.

Too much, too little
Shattered-
Incomplete-
Forgotten-
Nothing.

Clouded veins,
Blocking my sight
The eyes of the soul,
blinded.
Too much,
Too great,
Too little.
Or nothing at all.

Can I see?
Un peel the scales,
and be?

Understated chapter 2

"You're the feet to the lame and walking"

LIMBS

Everyday was a struggle. A struggle to face himself in the morning. All the mistakes that he made, a struggle to look his suffering brother in the cold, white eyes. A struggle to keep walking when every step foreword meant he was leaving his innocence further and further behind. He had two legs and two arms now, given, they didn't always work exactly how he wanted. With every fall, every day spent out of a wheel chair, was one day closer to fixing his mistakes. Until then, he would never stop moving.

"Winry! I don't need you looming over me all the time! I can walk on my own now!" He attempted to shove the girl away, but the momentum threw him off balance, causing him to fall hard on his automail shoulder. The metal ground against the fragile bone causing him to scream through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, sure." Her words were irritated, but her hands were gentile on the red swollen flesh. She had taken to keeping bandages on her, since he seemed to strain his outfitting every day. She tightened the cloth around the afflicted area to force it back into the proper position.

"Winry! That hurts!"
"Do you want to liquefy your collarbone?"
"No..."
"Didn't think so," Her hands seemed to linger on her craftsmanship, but really, she was caressing the boy, he was so stressed and so arrogant...
"Ed, you need to stop being so stuck up and...idiotic...You're going to seriously injure your self if you don't take it easy." Her words were laced with worry. He kept dislocating his shoulder and straining his knee port because he was so stupidly eager.
"I know you want to help your brother, but you can't if you break yourself. Relax a bit."
"How can I relax when my little brother is sitting unfeeling, and cold, and it's my fault." His face was dark and turned away, she grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her.
"You don't need to relax, you just need to quit being reckless! Alphonse wouldn't want you to hurt your self for him, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself!"
He winced and clenched his automail fist.
"Stop acting like you know everything about us." He stood up, rotating his metal arm, and kicking out his leg.
"Edward..." She grimaced, and shook her head.
"Win- I- didn't-" He gave up on trying to fix that.
He placed one arm around Winry's shoulders, she blushed, but knew,
"Come on, let's walk somewhere, " He frowned as he blushed.
"Alright."
She grinned larger than she had in a while.
The healing had truly begun.